Have you ever wondered “Why do I do that? or “Why do I respond in that way?” We find ourselves doing so many things in our daily lives without fully understanding where it comes from. Our story is a big part of why we function the way we function. How we were raised, the narratives we grew up hearing, the people who surrounded us throughout our lives had a huge impact on us whether we realize it or not.
One of the best quotes I’ve received about our personal stories was from a Story Informed Trauma Therapy training: “Either we own our stories or our stories will own us.” Another way to phrase that is we will either seek to repeat what has happened to us or work to do the opposite of what we have experienced. An example of how this might play out is if you grew up with a dad who was an alcoholic, and you find yourself married to an alcoholic. Due to a need to fully resolve what happened to you, you may find yourself trying to “fix” your husband because you couldn’t fix your dad. This would be an example of repeating what happened to you without even knowing you’re doing it. On the other hand, working to do the opposite of what you experienced would look like declaring any drinking a sin and refusing to associate with anyone who drinks. The damage alcohol did to your family was too great and alcohol tore your family a part. The problem with either of those attempts to resolve your trauma is you’re still being owned by your story. You are making unconscious decisions in your life without full awareness of why you are doing what you are doing.
That is where understanding your story is so important. When you can understand what you have been through, you can then process through the impact it had on you and what it meant for you. We all develop beliefs about ourselves and our world around us. Due to trauma exposure or other stressful events, we may conclude that the world isn’t safe and no one is to be trusted. Or, we may conclude that it was all our fault or we must be perfect. We may believe it’s all up to us to make everything go right. The problem with these beliefs is that they aren’t always rooted in truth. Or even if you were not safe at one point, the truth is you may be safe now. The truth is you never had to be perfect, and it wasn’t your fault how things went when you were younger.
Understanding what your story means to you is a big part of processing your childhood and beginning to create new beliefs and finding meaning from what you have been through. This enables you to be able to develop a healthy relationship with yourself and the people around you so you can enjoy life more. It’s hard to fully relax and enjoy the people around you when you are constantly on edge that you might mess up. It’s hard to have a healthy relationship with yourself if you are constantly blaming yourself for every mistake that happens even if you have nothing to do with the mistake in front of you. It’s hard to believe you are truly lovable if you are making it through life believing you’re unlovable.
Understanding your story not only helps you, but it can also help the people who are in close relationship with you. It can help your spouse as you learn to communicate in a different way and approach situations in a different way. It can create better relationships with your kids and allow you to help them understand the impact of their world on them. When we become parents, we may notice parts of our own story show up in unexpected ways. If we can understand what our story meant for us, we don’t have to react in our parenting; instead, we can work through what is coming up for us in much healthier ways—we can respond to our children in more intentional, and less reactive, ways. We can separate ourselves from our kids and know which issues are ours to carry and which issues are for our kids to work through. An example would be if our child doesn’t make honor roll and we get upset. Are we upset because it reflects on us as parents and that is our work to do? Or did our child genuinely not work hard and that is where the frustration comes from? You can’t know the difference if you are not aware of your story and what life has been like for you.
So what now? You may realize you have never sat down and walked through your story. You are not alone in that, since most of us have not done that work. Walking through your story can happen in a few different ways. It could be sitting down with your spouse and taking the time to talk through your childhood and life experiences if you are in a trusting, healthy marriage. A friend you trust and know cares about you could also be a great option to walk through your story. Y’all can take turns going through each other’s stories. If you have a mentor or discipleship relationship with someone this could also be a great relationship to go through your story with. Finally, therapy is a great option. I especially would recommend counseling if you experienced traumatic events in your past (although it can be quite healing for people who haven’t experienced trauma as well). While talk therapy can be very helpful, a trauma-trained therapist can use other tools such as EMDR to help process traumatic memories. EMDR uses eye movement to help reprocess trauma. It connects both sides of the brain to help process through a negative belief and move to a positive belief. Some traumatic memories are so activating it is best to be in a place where someone can slowly walk you through the healing process of that trauma. Wherever you are finding yourself today, know that life can be so much richer and enjoyable the more you can fully understand what your life as meant for you and the impact it has had.